I've just finished packing. Everything is in its place in my Grand California. I said goodbye to my mother. I saw the fright in her eyes but didn't know how to react. I get Starlight into the van that is now our house, our home. I give Mom one last wave and turn on the ignition. We set off for Sarek with Bea Miller's Playground playing in the background. Goodbye polluted Paris and suffering. I've had enough, I want to live.

The trouble with taking to the road in such a way is that, firstly, I haven't prepared myself at all psychologically and I'm beginning to realize that, and secondly, I'm faced with my solitude and, frankly, it stings. In three weeks I've rarely been on my own. Mom was almost always in the same room as me and Thomas, my twin, was back from Ireland for two weeks. So to be more precise, this is about the only time I've been alone since Lucas died. And it hurts. It really hurts. I can see that Starlight realizes that something is wrong. At first he cried all the time and looked everywhere in the apartment for Lucas. Then I decided to leave to go to Mum's and he calmed down a bit. Taking the van didn't help either. I remember the hours when I'd be driving and Lucas would be next to me, acting as co-driver - admittedly a bit of a disaster, but I liked him, so it was okay - and playing music. We had a good laugh. I know I turn around every five minutes or so as I start to talk to him, but it's the emptiness that answers me. And the fall is more than brutal. It's infinite. Just about. I'm holding on thanks to Starlight and Thomas's messages. He's the only one who keeps talking to me, who doesn't hesitate to get me out of my head. Speaking of the wolf, he's just sent me a message. I open it and discover a link. And for the first time in three weeks, I laugh. Not a little, but a real laugh. This idiot sent me the song Plus Fort with the video we'd made. I'm on his back, wearing a neon pink wig, way too big glasses, a fake moustache and glitter everywhere. He's dressed in a T-shirt with holes all over, his hair dyed blue - we'd had it colored around three in the morning - and make-up all over. Turning up the volume, I hear Lucas's voice. I slap myself in the face. I stop laughing immediately. It's the first time I've heard his voice since he died. How I'd missed him. I want to insult him, to hit him, to curse him for leaving me like this, but also to hug him tighter than ever and kiss him like I did the first time. Lucas, man, you're not cool. I'm telling you. The deal was that we'd leave at the same time, so why didn't you respect it? Was it that complicated?

I don't have the faith to lie in our bed. I'm going to sleep on the passenger seat, which I'm going to stretch out. Admittedly, it's going to be a lot less comfortable, but I can't do it. If I ever go to sleep there, I know I may never get up again. It's hard enough not to fall asleep in his arms and then wake up and realize I'm all alone. I can't go through all this in our bed. I suddenly stop moving when I hear someone knocking on my door. I start to panic. I've never been in a situation like this before. I've never taken the van out on my own. Lucas is the couple's mop-up man, not me. Starlight's getting restless too. I open the window a little so as not to be exposed.

"Manon, are you all right? I know the voice. I know the voice. I just can't figure out from where. Manon? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you, I promise. It's just that, well, your mother warned me that you were leaving in your van and that you might stop in the area. And she was scared and uh well I recognized the van and uh

- Alex, it's okay. I promise, though, you'd better not scare me like that again, or you'll be very sorry.

- Like what, Manon?" he laughs.

- Like if you want kids later, you'd better not... I've hardly uttered that sentence when I immediately regret it. Just three months ago, Lucas and I had agreed to start trying to have children...

- Hey Manon, are you going to open up to me or not? It's not that I don't like being out in the cold and dark, but I do. Please!

- Just a minute. How did you get here in the first place? And what exactly are you planning to do here?" I ask, opening the door and letting him into the little cabin.

- Well, I came to see how you were and then I'm off with you!

- Huh? What's up? Wait, what do you mean, Alex? What are you leaving with me? How do you even know I'm going?

- Manon, you're my best friend's twin, we've known each other since we were five, so don't think I don't know you, old girl. Besides, like I told you, Mum Reynolds called to ask me to go and see you and I'd never have the balls to say no... I care too much about my life and having kids later!

- Okay, so where am I going now? How long will I be gone? Are you really willing to put up with me in this van?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Butterfly minute. More like Reynolds minute. You're going north to Norway,

- Sweden, Dubois, I'm going to Sweden! See, you don't even know where I'm going! I swear I adore you Alex, but no. For the sake of our friendship, no.

- Wait, there were two more questions. You're leaving, well, I don't know because you're out of a job and obviously nothing's holding you back since I'm coming with you, old girl, and I can work from anywhere as long as I've got my computer and an Internet connection! And yes, I'm really ready to support you in this rolling thing. So what's next? Do we eat? Because I'm starving. I didn't walk fifteen kilometers for nothing!

- Alex, you don't even live five kilometers from here... You didn't walk fifteen!

- Okay, maybe I added a little, but it felt better! Well, let's go and eat. What's on the menu, Reynolds?

- Er... I don't know, I left with nothing.

- And how were you planning to eat? I guess you weren't gonna take Starlight's croquettes. By the way, how are you, buddy?

- Well, uh, I wasn't hungry. And I was tired, so whatever.

- Okay, Reynolds, let's have an emergency meeting. Sit down, I'm doing something.

- I swear, if you call Thomas, I will kill you, Dubois.

- Uh-oh! He's my best friend, so I can call him whenever I want!

- What the hell! In that case, go and see him in Ireland! Why are you bothering with me? Why go with your best mate's sister? Just go see him!

- Yeah, man. Did I ever tell you your sister's kind of stubborn and moody?

- Don't worry, I know. Wait, where are you? Why is Starlight here? Hey, baby! Yeah, I know you miss your cool uncle!

- Hey, guys! I'm home! And Thomas, Starlight is a dog!

- Oh, baby, are you okay? No, silly question, forget it. So where are you off to this time?

- We're going up north to Norway! says Alex before I even have time to open my mouth.

- Oh, how nice! I want lots of photos and at least one video call a day!

- No way! We're not going to Norway!

- Oh dear, where are we going then?

- Sweden! We're going to Sarek!

- Ah yes! Norway and Sweden are the same.

- Yes, I agree with Dubois, it's the same. Honestly, Manon, you're a riot!" he says, laughing and winking at me. I laugh with him for the second time today.

- By the way, Reynolds, why are we going over there?

- Are you serious, man?" starts my twin.

- Hey, Tom, don't worry, I've got it under control," I answer calmly. I want to put Lucas's ashes above the Arctic Circle. And walk in the Sarek. We've always dreamed of that.

- Stylish!

- Dude, are you serious, man?! My sister's telling you all this stuff and you're giving me the stylish answer?

- Uh what? What's the big deal? Yes, it's sad, but I'm not going to dwell on it either, because it's going to be a long fucking day... .

- He's not wrong, Tom... I've got to move on. I can't take it anymore... And you've got to admit, it's stylish to want to go walking in the Sarek! Come on! This isn't your Mount Croagh Patrick!

- Oh guys, I've got to confess something! I always thought it was Mont Croque Patrick. I thought the mountain must have eaten Saint Patrick...

- Are you serious, man? How have we been best friends for twenty years? "

I leave the boys laughing on the phone and go out to sit and look at the stars. After what seems like a long time, Alex comes out. He sees me shaking and hands me a piece of clothing. It's only after a moment that I realize which sweater it is. The red one. The one it all started with. "You stole my red sweater..." oh my Lucas, I miss you, you know that?