Riko almost laughed.

—No no, sir. You’re wrong. My grand mother is a young, strong lady. She …

—She was eighty. She lived for longer than anybody expected.

Riko let herself fall and hit the floor with no sound.

—You’re Riko, right ? Everybody talks about you here.

She hung off and her fingers tightened around the red phone.

I must be dreaming, she convinced herself. Or hallucinating. Or both.

Everybody talks about you here.

**

—Madam, we’ve hit Biei.

Riko rose her head and her eyes darted from the woman’s eyes to the landscape seen from her window.

She must be dreaming.

Riko got off the train and once she stepped outside, she looked up.

The clear blue sky, the large green fields, the hint of orchids and flowers in the air.

Nostalgia hit again, fiercely opening her wounds.

Time stopped and Riko took a deep breath. She put off her suitcase and kneeled to feel the grass with her hands. Its grip made her heat sink.

She used to do that when she was a child, feeling one with the earth. The earth they walked on, the earth that welcomed them when they were tired. The earth they ran on while playing hide and seek on a late evening after school.

She missed the smell of it. The pungent smell of the grass, freshly watered by the summer rains.

Riko embraced herself and got up. Her suitcase felt heavy, but her soul was heavier.

It cost her everything to leave this town, how could she return now ? Now that nothing was left ?

She walked up the hill with a slow rhythm. She didn’t want to draw attention to her. But with every step and each breath, she could feel the dandelions whispering, the daisies turned around and mumbled about her. The trees backed off and their branches made an annoyed sound. Even the butterflies that were once her friends were scared of her.

Everybody talks about you here.

She was a stranger to nature. How are humans going to welcome her ?

**

The “Welcome to Biei” label, with the washed off colors and the little smile she and her friend had drawn on it, to celebrate the beauty of their town.

Her fingers brushed the uneven surface of it and then she backed off.

Who does she think she is ? To still call it her town ?

Ten years, Riko. Ten years.

She made the decision.

I came all the way and I will not return before I do what I should have done.

She entered the town. A few buildings had taken place and people she barely recognized crossed her way. Little by little, she remembered. She remembered the road, the shops, the trees, the yellow mailbox.

Yet there was something different. Biei wasn’t a calm town anymore. It was slowly converging to a vibrant, crowded place. Or at least the town center was.

It took Riko a solid half an hour to get to the neighborhood where she used to live.

She stood behind a street light, her hands crossed around her. She could sense someone’s presence but she just didn’t want to turn around. How scared she was to find any face she could recognize.

It took her an infinite amount of courage to turn her head and once she did, there was no going back.

She saw the shadow of a young man in front of her home. What used to be her home.

She felt an urgent need to hold on something and only the cold hand of the street lamp was there. So she buried her fingers in the clumsy metal and she swallowed her hiccup.

Riko startled when the young man turned, she ran and hide behind a garden. She was horribly trembling, her heart sinking. Air, she needed air and oxygen and she couldn’t breath and God what did she just see. No it can’t be him it can’t be him it can’t be him.

—Sorry, ma’am. Your ribbon fell off.

Jump scares. She hated how often she got them.

She saw a woman in her age handing her the white ribbon that was around her wrist.

A woman her age, with black shiny eyes, an upside down smile, a long silky hair.

Hinata. The woman had to be Hinata, her neighbor and her friend from primary school.

—Thank you very much, she answered in the most broken accent again.

—You’re a tourist ? How weird, there aren’t any new people around this time of the year !

Riko didn’t blink, she felt tears so close but she didn’t want to cry. Not now. She felt so vulnerable in front of this friend of her that couldn’t recognize her. Her head tilted down and she didn’t have the audacity to answer her.

—OK , you must be tired from your travel. Anyhow, welcome to Biei !

Cheerful, puppy alike face, sheepish. She is still the same Hinata.

Riko nodded and mumbled a shy thanks before turning around and running.

She needed to know where he went. But as she was running she stopped in front of the building. In front of her house. She gasped on how different it looked. Brand new doors, new flowers in the garden.

Our house doesn’t have the door that cry when you open it.

A memory. A cruel yet beautiful memory clashed on her mind. When they first moved in the house, coming from an old cottage. She was proud to be living in a house that didn’t make agonizing sounds like haunted spirits.

Look, our house have a lot of flowers, even more than Hinata’s garden.

Our house is the best.

She closed her eyes and passed her hands on her face. What was that if not pure torture ?

—You must be Riko, right ?

She sniffled and rose her head to a middle aged man. He smiled warmly to her and came down the stairs to stand next to her.

—Riko, you look just like her. I’ve seen some of yours portraits in the house. Such a beautiful young lady.

He was still smiling but it was now a sad smile. Riko felt so bad for existing. For ruining this man’s good mood.

—I’m sorry for…

—No no, please. My wife had been a friend of your gramma for the last couple of years. You were more of a lost daughter of ours. And we finally found you.

He took her hand and squeezed hard. She wanted to take it away. She didn’t deserve this, she didn’t deserve to be shown love when all she had shown was ingratitude.

—We can talk, my wife will make tea.

—How long ? How long had …

—Two months. And a few days, we’ve done the funerals. She didn’t want us to warn you about her illness.

Illness.

—She just wanted to go like that. Just like she had never existed. That’s better, she had said, for both of you.

Riko nodded and felt her heart open and bleed. It bled on her hands and on her clothes and on the floor.

—I need to go. I can.. I can return later, right ?

The man gave her a little pat on the shoulder.

—Be back at anytime.

He slid a cold metal thing in her hand.

—This is the key to your room. She wanted you to keep it.

She locked her hand on it and turned and ran.

Why do you keep running. They will find you anyway. Regret, grief, that knife pulling through your throat, the poison you taste in your mouth with each word. You keep saying that you deserve it but you’re running anyway. I dare you to stop and embrace all the emotions at once. You can’t. You fucking can’t. You should die and you’re stupid and God they should have sent you to Germany. It’s where you belong. You’re nothing but a cold, heartless monster. A vampire living on her grand-mother’s blood and sweat and tears.

Ding ding.

Riko stopped and caught her breath. Sweat droplets were gathered on her forehead and she had to put her hair off. She looked at herself on the mirror of a coffee shop and how much she hated the velvet red dress she was wearing. Her outfit was a great contradiction to her internal state. She was the definition of European misery.

She looked around for the shadow and she realized that there were only few people in that neighborhood. Lots of shops, and few people. Life is really absurd.

She went back and forth, looking for a sign, a name, anything.

—But I like it, it’s a brilliant idea. You can flesh it out like you always do.

Laughter and chatter came from a library nearby. Riko’s breath was monotonously rhyming with her heartbeat. Her feet took her and her hand pushed the metallic door. The bell rang again.

Ding ding.

Two people turned around at the same time.

Riko didn’t look up. She knew she didn’t want to see it, she just knew it would hurt.

But she couldn’t stay there, looking at her hands like the two people weren’t staring at her.

—Welcome, the young man muttered. How can I help you ?

She then rose her head and with a little voice she said :

—Hello, I …

—OH you’re the tourist. See, she’s the one I told you about.

The young man nodded. He didn’t even seem to be listening. His eyes were tired, his hands landing on the counter. A few seconds of silence that chocked Riko to death.

She was standing in front of two of her childhood friends and they seemed to be oblivious about her existence.

Then he said, coming to stand next to her :

—Can I get you something ? A cup of tea ? Coffee ? You must like coffee.

Riko shook her head and she felt on the edge of tears.

He didn’t recognize her either.

You must like coffee.

I know you hate coffee. I told them that. We can get you Jasmine tea.

Flashbacks to when they went on a trip to Sapporo. They were in a modern-styled restaurant.

I know that you know that I hate coffee. She had said laughing. They were seventeen. The first time to travel alone with a boy. Sanata, her gramma, was unsure of it first but he did call her during all of the journey. Sanata was easily convinced. She was never the kind of a strict parent.

—I need a postcard. For a friend.

It’s funny how lies are detectable. They weight nothing but they cost everything. They just float on the face like a dead old branch on a dirty lake of stagnant water. So noticeable were the fragments of speech she mumbled, so dislocated.

—Sure, we have a good collection of them. I can get you one with a view of Shikisai no Aka. Did you visit it yet, miss ?

His English accent was better than her, who lived abroad. But there was something off with his voice. It used to be this calm, bubbly voice. Riko always loved how he talked from his heart.

You have a special gift, of letting your heart say it for you.

Now the man in front of her was an irritated, high pitched voice male. Or maybe her existence had made him anxious. He handed her the postcard and her eyes automatically landed on his finger. His index was adorned with a shiny ring. She felt like she had seen like it before.

On Hinata’s hand.

—I do like it. How much does it cost ?

Don’t blink don’t blink don’t blink don’t blink. Never let them know how you feel. Never let them know that you want to crawl, to die, to pierce yourself with a knife and to burn her in hell. Don’t smile don’t cry don’t make any sound just exist. Just exist like you’ve been doing for ten fucking years. Don’t dare make a noise. Always be in the background. You won in academics. Do you think you’ll win in life ?

—For the first visitor it’s free. Consider it a gift.

She nodded and mumbled a thank you.

Riko left the book shop and she heard her say :

—I feel like I know her.

The man turned sharply and said :

—No you don’t. I mean you do. You saw her an hour ago.