I'm a romantic person. I know it. And I accept it as a fact. I love the rain falling on my face like tears from heaven, I love watching the snow, similar to millions of angels' feathers falling from the clouds, and I am amazed by a drop of sun, simple flowers, or a frozen spider’s web.

However, I've always refused to believe in love at first sight, clinging to the reassuring idea that I get to decide what I feel and who I love. That's a beautiful idea. My feelings get out of control so often that I didn't want to lose control in love.

Everything changed when I locked eyes with Him. Maybe it wasn't much, but ... it lit a spark in my heart, a spark I believed had died a long time ago.

I'm different. I know it. I feel things deeply. So ... I get hurt easily. If I feel negative emotions in the deepest arcana of my soul, the same goes for positive emotions. It's both a curse and a blessing.

That is the reason why my life is a never-ending roller coaster. I feel good, so I'm at the peak of joy and happiness. Then something bad happens, and I fall into the darkest place. But I always get out, find my peace again.

I don't know how He feels. And ... I do care, but at the same time, it doesn't matter. I just feel good when I'm close to Him. Maybe I'm crazy. I am crazy. It's just that I feel safe, understood, and cared for in a way I've never felt before.

I know it might not last forever, that it’s probably just a soap bubble, shining like a rainbow and threatening to break at the slightest breath of wind.

I know I might get hurt. Fireworks explode to amaze with their shapes and colors. Fire warms and burns.

Allowing myself to be vulnerable, fragile, open, might be the worst decision ever, because I can't know if my trust will be broken or not.

But should I reject something as beautiful as this, whatever it is, just to protect myself? I might miss out on so much, so much I don’t want to lose.

Yes, I'm fucking cracked. I'm damn mad. But I don't give a fuck. I want to see the fireworks explode in the sky of my heart, even if it means breaking it. I'll pick up the pieces, and I'll glue them back together with gilded gold.

The only thing that really scares me is Him getting hurt in the process. I just... I know I don't know how to love. And that's okay. But I deeply want him to be fine, to be happy. And I'm afraid he might not be.

My worst nightmares are visions of myself hurting the ones I love, aside from the demon waking me up with a jolt.

And maybe it's unrealistic of me to believe I will be able to protect those people from everything, and above all, from myself. I'm messed up. And it's fine. I accept myself as messed up. But messed-up people hurt other people because they don’t want them to go through what they’ve been through.

I've experienced it. But closing oneself off to protect loved ones from getting hurt is fucked up. It doesn't work. So I'm determined not to do it. I don't know what I'm gonna do yet, but I'll do my best.

I'll try to love myself the way I deserve to be loved. I'll try to see myself through the prism of Their eyes. And then, I'll see my beauty and my worth. And I will be able to reflect that love and shine with confidence.

And maybe then, I'll make the people I love happy to be alive, happy to be around me, happy to travel through life, between joy and sorrow.